Take 2 ::click::

I haven't blogged in quite a while... I am going to give it another go.

I miss Mexico horribly today... maybe that is what led me back to my blog. I am not sure what brought it on, but when I walked out of work today I had the unshakable want to be walking through the east side of Agua Prieta on a late afternoon. Maybe it is because this morning in the Dave Ramsey FPU class, he used the example of coming to the pinnacle at the top of a huge hill on a bicycle. It was an example of working hard so that you can get to a point where you don't have to... but all I could think about was riding mi bici from the Centro Communitario along Aveneda 40 back to mi casa. Going that direction, there is a huge hill that you get to coast down... its really nice on the way HOME from the CC, but going there.... wow... not so much. At the bottom of the hill there is an unfortunate stop sign though. I believe it is right where the monsoon drainage ditch crosses the street (In Monsoon season there is a huge river across the road anytime it rains). Anyways, I am guessing that this was how it all started. I pulled out of the parking lot at work and found myself aching to be standing in Miriams kitchen talking about ways to prepare beans. While at job # 2 (cross reference "stinky gross restaurant") it turned out to be a wonderful diversion, as job #2 feels like a complete waste of my time more often than not. Even now my bedroom seems cramped... my room in Mexico was huge. Yes it had cockroaches and muddy water running down then wall... but it is where I want to be right now.

These are just petty things I guess, but I think maybe it has something to do with the greater idea of my experience there. I was doing something I believed in... sure there were things I questioned, but when it came down to it, I was educating others about injustice and encouraging them to confront it face to face... and in the process I was making friends whose faces I will never be able to erase from my mind. What am I doing now? Well I don't hate what I am doing. I actually really enjoy working at Express Customer Service. It isn't mundane- I get all sorts of random jobs to do... those special tasks reserved for those of us with graduate training in listening to people. I like that the hours are consistent and I have my own workspace. It is a positive environment for the most part and the people are fun to be with. Job #2 (cross reference: boss who needs anger management classes) is alright sometimes, but working in the exact same restaurant I worked in before I went to college... 10 years ago... doesn't exactly make me feel like I have accomplished much. Personally I know I have, but it is hard to remember that a lot of times. Job #2 (cross reference: the reason the Department of Health started inspections) is a screetching echo that I can't shake... the thought that I will never go anywhere in life. Just the thought of it makes me feel heavier.

I know that the above is not what is going to happen. I have a future and a hope... and not just in the "quote a scripture verse and feel better" way. I have dreams for what I want to be and do that have merged perfectly with what a friend wants to be and do... and long story short, after 3 months of dating, we are engaged and mapping out a life together! (There is definitely more to that story, but that isn't what this blog is about.) Having a ring on my finger makes me more confident... like there is someone who believes in me-that I can do it. That I won't be stuck in pointless jobs forever, doing nothing with my life. I suppose it has given me license to plan again. Ever since Fall 2007 when injustice ripped my vision of the future to shreds, it has been difficult to dream. Its like the dog that has been hit by a previous owner. You never hit him but he still flinches and backs away when you move towards him. Whenever an idea about the future begins to blossom in my mind, the rest of me shuts it down... partially because until the situation is rectified and I am able to complete my final semester of school, I am in a holding pattern. Partially also, though, because my faith in myself is crushed. I wonder if I ache for the past because it is safer... I already know how it turns out. Perhaps it is because I wonder if I can make it where I am and seek the comfort of a good escape.

God has used my fiance to show me how He sees me.... he sees good and beauty and strength in me that I feel are dead. He is honest and kind and strong and would not say things to me just to make me feel better. He knows everything about me and yet he still loves me... words cannot convey how blessed I am to have a God who loves me like that... and who has sent someone to love me as he does.

So life is completely different than it was last year. I am completely different. Returning to PA was the next thing and so that is what I did. Being in the thick of the same opposition I faced previously, however, is a chilling thought. The creeping doubt begins to linger. I know that I am not as I was before... the scars and callouses show that this is not my first time against this enemy... but I have a different view now. Maybe it isn't the Avenida 40 hill but it isn't what it was before. I have a very different understanding of God and how he loves us. I have a hand to hold when I feel like I am slipping. I also have a future and a hope... no matter what comes of this opposition.

And so with all of that I suppose I should get some sleep. While my heart lingers for other places, I know that this is where I am for a reason... and I would not give up what I have here and now for anything... and so I will tuck myself into my bed... under the same blanket I had in Mexico and hug the same moose (muffy) that I took to Mexico... but with thanks to God that I am here in PA, with daisies by my desk from my mother, daffodils on my nightstand from my fiance, and a dragon waiting to be slain lurking in the months ahead.

Passion and Purpose isn't just Mexico for me... it's life. I'm ready to try again.

Take 2 ::click::

Por tanto, puesto que tenemos en derredor nuestro tan grande nube de testigos, despojemonos tambien de todo peso y del pecado que tan facilmente nos envuelve, y corramos con paciencia la carrera que tenemos por delante. Hebreos 12:1